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A PEEK AT CALLEN'S CORRESPONDENCE LATELY:

From John Black:
"Hey Callen! What's up, bud? I'm up to my ears in problems, and you just take off? What's up with that?!? For once in my life, I haven't been sleeping with every female this side of the equator and you're not even there to give me this credit! OK ... so I may be a daddy again, but that doesn't count ... OK it counts. Never mind. BRADY! ... Turn that @#$%^ music down!!!"

From Stefano:
"DAMMIT! What the hell have you been doing? How stupid are you?!? You just walk off and leave? You try this again and I'll send Rolf ... and you'd better watch your neck. Now excuse me ... I have to go see my new little son. WHAT? Yes I can still get it up, dammit! If it turns out that John is the father, I'll merely rectify the situation. I'll extract all the blood from the child and put mine in there. Rolf! Get down here right now, dammit!"

From Hope's Baby, John
"HELP! ... WAH! WAH! HELP! WAH! WAH!"

From Lucas:
"Hey Callen! Have you seen my lovely and loving wife, Nicole? Isn't she gorgeous? And she adores me! I'm such a hunk, who could blame her! Waddayamean, she told me she hates my guts? So what? I still love her and she will STAY my wife! What do you think I am, an IDIOT? .... Oh shut up, who asked you?"

From Nicole:
"I don't care where the hell you've been. I'm about to be a millionairess and I'll get my sweetie Eric back and you can go to hell."

From Roman:
"Yo! Where da hell have ya been? You stupid or somm'm? Hey, I haven't been 'round too much, but I'm still a captain in da police department and I DESERVE to know what da hell you've been up to. That's right, I'm da boss. I don't give a tiddly's butt what's been keepin ya busy ... ya had a responsibility and ya screwed up. Get with da program! Get your butt back at dat puter .. Jeziz Krise!"

From Marlena:
"Hello there sweetie. I may be able to help you; I do have children, you know. What's that you say? ..... NO it's not true that my children are all screwed up! My baby girls are the most wonderful slice of life there is! I beg your pardon! Well, if you care to see me, call my secretary Cynthia to make an appointment. I don't think I've got anything scheduled for ... hmmmm ... I guess I don't have anything scheduled. Don't you worry a bit ... look how I helped out my friend, Laura ... Oops ... well, we'll think of something. Be well, baby girl."

From Greta:
"{Boo, hoo, hoo ... sniff, sniff .....} Oh Callen .... the guy I thought loved me was in love with someone else all this time! How could this happen to me, such a sweet, lovable and innocent soul? I should have slept with him, right? Oh where are you! I miss you! {Boo, hoo, hoo ... sniff, sniff .....}" I may go back to the swamp where everyone loved me.

From Austin:
"Where ya been, Callen? I'm praying for you. I'm praying for your safe return. Gotta run and get my head smashed in a few more times at the gym (what a high!) but I'll keep praying!"

From Belle:
"Oh Callen, how ARE you? Have you been watching the show? Have you checked out how adorable I am? Everyone keeps telling me how PERFECT I am, and I'm not sure I like that. There must be something wrong with me, right? No, I guess not. Geeze Louise. Well, you take care of yourself and hurry back!"

From Mimi:
"You know, I'm just so sick of everything and everyone. I've been trying to stop all the pouting, but I just don't know how to and I'm sick of trying. If you come back, I'll pout about your lousy weekly reviews. Never mind -- just go away."

From Just Shawn:
"Hi There Callen! How've ya been? My life has been really wonderful ever since I took that lousy 'D' off my name. It almost seems that I came alive at that point! What do you think of my friend Belle -- isn't she just perfect?"

From Celeste:
"Darling! How are you, darling? Are you well? Have you seen my new darling grandson? Isn't he darling? Well, you take care, darling!"

From Hope:
"Callen -- where have you been? I'm so upset and confused. Here I have a little baby and there's something terribly wrong with him, he cries all the time, fusses and generally doesn't even like me. I've been giving him some cooled down Salem tea to calm his nerves -- do you think that may have anything to do with it? What? Oh, OK, let me try some milk then. Take care."

From Chloe:
"Hello, Callen? What's your problem? You don't like me either? Go ahead and call me Ghoul Girl, too. I can take it. Hey, would you happen to have any pins on you? {{Off to find my 'Callen Doll', chuckle, chuckle}}."

From Alice:
"Hello sweetheart, how are you, dear? Come back soon and I'll make some donuts for you, dear. Yes, the crazies are still all around me, but I'll feed you some Salem tea and then you'll fit right in. We miss you, dear."

From one of many e-mails:
"Wassup Callen? Get off your butt and do another Yikes -- I can't wait forever, you know. From a fan."

But my dear fan -- I have been off my butt, which is one of the reasons I haven't been here. (Had to give it a break, getting too big.) But so nice to hear and talk to all of you e-mailers and Salemites. Yes, I apologize for leaving abruptly, but what happened was that I went into a tail spin, cause the show was actually GOOD. Shock to the system, you know. Dr. Dopey gave me some time off. But I'm coming back. Can't wait to see the kids building a house ... yawn. Can't wait till Lucas and Nicole's first anniversary ... not. Can't wait till ... who am I kidding? Never mind.

See you in September,

Stay tuned! (or not!)

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