Congress has been holding late-night, closed door meetings, discussing plans for a new tax. The Hittman Chronicle has received an exclusive inside look at these new charges. While we usually hate taxes as much as anyone, this time we applaud our congresscritters. They've come up with a plan that will eliminate a major annoyance while raising phenomenal amounts of money.
The Cliché Tax will charge significant fees for the continued use of trite, unimaginative clichés in all walks of life. This will have the biggest effect on screenwriters, novelists, talk show hosts, advertisers, journalists and other fiction writers, but anyone who insists on being dull or repetitious in their day to day living could find themselves deeply in debt to Uncle Sam or their co-workers. Here is our exclusive list of the taxes being proposed:
Excessive use of the word "exclusive" in a news article - $1,000. We can get away with it for now, though.
Trite phrases used by food vendors:
- You've tried the rest, now try the best - $10
- We didn't invent the burger/hero/pizza, we just perfected it. $15.
- Words Best Coffee - $9
These may sound like small amounts, but the fine will be applied to each pizza box, sandwich bag or paper cup that bears the hated phrases.
Company Logos:
- A lightening bolt used in a logo - $1,000
- A lightening bolt going through something - $5,000
- A lightening bolt in a hand - $10,000
- A globe as part of a logo - $15,000
- A globe with a lightening bolt going through it $150,000
Trite TV Phrases:
Commercials (per airing):
- Referring to thunderstorms as "thunder boomers" - $5,000 cliché tax, plus an additional $5,000 cutsyness fee.
- Any reference to snow as "the white stuff" - $25,000
- Weather men who talk about anything other than the weather - $18,000 per conversation.
- Weather men who talk to crowds screaming idiots gathered outside their studio - $5,000 per idiot, $12,000 if the idiot is waving a sign.
- Dollars and Sense - One Million Dollars plus a sharp whack to the head. The fine is doubled for using a dollar sign to spell $ense. Putting the words on the screen while the announcer says it counts as two uses. That will cost two million dollars and the enforcer gets to use a baseball bat for the second whack.
Novels, Screenplays:
- Any commercial that implies a store is "the place where Santa Shops": Ten Million Dollars. This one will raise enough for us to buy Australia, with enough change for lunch at the White House.
- Implying that the owner has mental problems you should take advantage of : $5,000
- Owners who simply scream like idiots with mental problems: $20,000
- A Business owners kid in a commercial: $10,000 per brat
- An owners girlfriend in a commercial: $15,000
- An owners ugly girlfriend in a commercial: $150,000
- An owners fat, ugly girlfriend in a commercial: $100/lb.
- Singing babies, talking animals: $200,000. The first time we saw a baby break dance it was very cool. Now it's been done, so knock it off. Talking animals were probably impressive when theaters introduced them to our great grandparents in the thirties, but the novelty tends to wear off over sixty years. New digital photography techniques make it far too easy to create animals and babies who talk, sing, dance and flirt. We're tired of it. You can't do it any more, unless you're willing to pay a lot of money.
Cliché People At The Office: These are especially fun, because the fine doesn't go to the government. When someone commits an offense in your presence you get to demand the money from them or apply a punishment if they don't have the cash. The worst offense allows you do both.
- Evil Twins - One million dollars. No, make that two million dollars.
- Evil Triplets - Raise the last fine to the power of three.
- Exclamation Points - In any given article or book the first exclamation point is free. The next one costs fifty dollars. The price doubles with each additional exclamation point.
- A special fee applies to multiple exclamation points. The fine will be $1000N, N being the number of E.Ps used. Thus, this sentence would cost a million dollars!!! (I promise to never do that again.) The same formula will be used for multiple question marks. Special Rule: Mixing question marks and exclamation points triples the fine.
- "All day" in reply to "Is today the twelfth?" Fifty bucks, payable to you, immediately. If he doesn't have the cash you may stick a freshly sharpened pencil in his ear.
- "Not my turn to watch him" in reply to "Have you seen so-and-so?" One hundred dollars, payable on the spot. If he doesn't have the cash you are required to dump an entire pot of steaming hot coffee in his lap.
- "Are we Having Fun Yet?" $2000. If he doesn't have it you are allowed to change into your most pointy shoes and kick him in the ass repeatedly until you can honestly answer "Well, at least I am."
- Saying "See you next year!" on December 31st. Everything he owns, plus you get to beat him to a bloody pulp with an ax handle. Everyone walking by is encouraged to join in.