Blackadder XII: The Next Generation

(The U.S.S. Enterprise, commanded by J. T. Kirk, 23rd Century)

(Main Bridge: KIRK, SPOCK, SULU, UHURA, CHEKOV, various ND's)

KIRK: Captain's Log, Stardate 6565.3 plus a little bit. The Enterprise is en route to planet Adlai Stevenson III, which has the reputation of beingthe most boring place in the galaxy. I just know Starfleet is giving me this assignment because of what happened with the ambassador's wife, but hey, he left her in the observation lounge, and it's finder's keepers, I always say... no, better erase that last sentence. Our estimated time for arrival is... Spock, when will we achieve orbit of Stevenson III?

SPOCK: Two hours, twenty-seven minutes, fifteen point three-nine-nine-seven seconds. I am, of course, condescending to use your own earth time units which are ill-defined to say the least.

KIRK: You seemed to be a little irritated, Spock. I guess you're getting more human all the time.

SPOCK: The only time I get anything, human or otherwise, is once every seven years.

KIRK: Do you have any recommendations about how we should investigate Adlai Stevenson III, Mr. Spock?

SPOCK: It would be most logical for the highest ranking officers on the ship to disguise themselves as Stevensonites and beam down to the planet.

KIRK: My thoughts exactly. Okay, everyone to the quartermaster's office to get outfitted, except Chekov.

CHEKOV: Keptin, I almost never get to beam down!

KIRK: That's what you get for telling me the ambassador's wife was "feeling hot" without telling me she was an Abulite having a body temperature of 50 degrees Celcius. I almost burned off... nevermind. Uhura, call the quartermaster, er, what's his name...? That slimy fellow...

(Sudden break to opening credits:)

The sound of phasers fired at Kling's!
The thrilling thrum of the warp engines!
Though once his ancestors were kings,
His status now is beneath mention!

Blackadder! Blackadder!
On board the Enterprise!
Blackadder! Blackadder!
Spreading woe where'er he flies!

(Quartermaster's office. LT. EDMUND BLACKADDER, YEOMAN S. BALDRICK)

BLACKADDER: Baldrick, we're running low on red fabric again. Damn! but I can't understand where it all goes. It's like it's being thrown away. I think the captain must hate the color red as much as he hates computers.

BALDRICK: Do you know what I think, Lt. B?

BLACKADDER: No, Baldrick, and I'm quite sure you don't, either.

BALDRICK: I think that fellows who wear red get promoted off the ship, and that's where all the fabric goes. Why, I was down in security the other day when one fellow got promoted. "You've been promoted to away team duty," says the security chief. "Here's your red uniform." The fellow was so happy he started crying. That's why I wear a red uniform; I'm going to get promoted too one day, you'll see.

BLACKADDER: Oh Ghod, I hope so.

(Lt. GEORGE HANOVER bursts in. He's wearing a red shirt.)

GEORGE: Oh tally-ho Blackadder. Have you heard the good news? I've been transferred to security! It's promotion time for me!

BLACKADDER: Oh I must say that is good news, George. There's certainly no other person more deserving of it than you -- except perhaps Baldrick. (BALDRICK beams at BLACKADDER.) I trust your affairs are in order?

(GEORGE looks puzzled at that statement, but at that moment KIRK, SPOCK, MCCOY, UHURA, and SULU enter.)

KIRK: Lt. Blackadder, we are about to undertake a very dangerous mission. We need to disguise the bridge crew as Stevensonites.

BLACKADDER: Oh, yes, planet Adlai Stevenson III. Very dangerous. If you'll just give me your sizes, I'll have Baldrick look for the three-piece suits...

KIRK: You know my size. Why, I had to beam down to a planet in disguise just three months ago.

SPOCK: That was at the beginning of the season, Captain, before you had to return to wearing that green wraparound uniform tunic.

KIRK: We'll also need something to cover Spock's ears. Preferably something lethal.

BLACKADDER: I should remind you, sir, that in Stevensonian culture, it is customary for the leader of a group to be bald.

(everybody looks at you-know-who)

KIRK: Well, don't look at me. I'm not taking it off. Spock... YOU can act like the group leader when we're in disguise!

SPOCK: It is not possible to cut Vulcan hair. In fact, I even had my brain stolen without mussing up my hair.

BLACKADDER: How interesting. Tell me, are you planning on getting it back in the near future.

(The intercom whistles. Kirk presses its button.)

CHEKOV (voice): Keptin, ve've detected a Klingon varship in orbit around

Adlai Stewenson III!

KIRK: Call Security, have them assemble a team and meet me in the transporter room. Kirk out. (to Spock) Well, it's a good thing we're sending down the bridge crew to the planet's surface, now there's even a greater need to have them down there.

SPOCK (ticked off at Blackadder's remark, and wanting to stay on board anyway): Sir, may I point out that Lt. Blackadder seems to more acquainted with Stevensonian culture than I.

KIRK: Good point, Spock. Lt. Blackadder, you are hereby transferred to chief of security. Get yourself a disguise and join us in the landing party. Oh, and don't forget to issue yourself some red uniforms.

(Bridge crew leaves with their three-piece suits.)

BALDRICK: That's wonderful, Lt. B! I'll bet you can just smell the promotion!

BLACKADDER: What I can smell mostly at the moment, Baldrick, is you. Get yourself a suit. You too, George. You two will be up front.

GEORGE: Oh, smashing, Blackadder! My first landing party mission, and already I get to be up front where the action is. We'll show those Klingons a thing or two!

BLACKADDER: Yes, for instance, our innards, which will be splattered all over the ground when they attack us.

(They leave, and we cut to the surface of Adlai Stevenson III):

(KIRK, MCCOY, SULU, UHURA, BLACKADDER, GEORGE, and BALDRICK beam onto a city street.)

KIRK: Isn't it amazing how all city streets on all the planets seem to look alike? Urrph... this suit must've shrunk. I don't remember it being so tight when we beamed down to Landru's planet.

SULU: Captain, Klingons approaching!

MCCOY: Well, here's where we see if these disguises work.

K'LUDWIG: Vell, vat haf ve here? Disobeying de curfew? Kumm, kumm, speak up!

UHURA: (lowering her voice an octave) We're just getting back from an "Up With Klingons" concert, it ran kind of late.

K'LUDWIG: Oh, vell, dat's okay, den. You Shtefensonites! I luf your culture! Your vunderful jokes vich play poorly vit de media! Your inability to get any of your people elected as president of de Federation. Now go home; I vill leaf you now. (Klingons leave).

KIRK: Nice job, Uhura.

UHURA: Thanks, it's nice to get to do something on these missions for once. I just hope my hair doesn't take too long to grow back. Do you think it will, Doctor McCoy?

MCCOY: (says the obvious line)

GEORGE: We should've shot them with our phasers, Blackadder! Every fiber of my being screamed to press them with a hard attack.

BLACKADDER: I'm sure they would've enjoyed that as much as you, George. (to KIRK) Sir, might I suggest that we get undercover?

KIRK: Good idea, Lt.

(Blackadder leads them to a cellar beneath one of the houses on the street.)

MCCOY: So now what?

KIRK: Oh, come on Bones, surely you know the plan by now. While the rest of you explore the city, I'll go and seduce some minor governmental official. She will change her lifelong political views and organize a rebellion against the ruling class and the Klingons, to gain that one thing which all lifeforms cherish and have a right to. Gentlemen, Lt. Uhura, and Yeoman Baldrick, I put it to you: We Must Do The Right Thing And Free These People, And Seduce As Many Women As Possible, Which Is The Right -- THE RIGHT -- OF EVERY! MAN! AND! WOMAN! IN! THE! UNIVERSE! WE! CAN'T! LET! THESE! PEOPLE! SUFFER! UNDER! THE! DOMINATION! OF! OTHERS! ANY! LONGER!

BLACKADDER: Sir, if you'll come down from that table and look out this window, you will see several Klingons headed in this direction.

(Four Klingons burst in.)

K'LUDWIG: I vusn't sure at first, but after hearing dat shpeech, I haf kumm to de conclusion dat you are de famous Captain Kirk.

KIRK: How did you hear it? Is there a bug in this room?

BLACKADDER: Baldrick is positively crawling with them.

K'LUDWIG: I had hoped dat ve vould meet in battle, but dis is almost as gut. I haf taken ofer your ship and killed eferyvun on board.

SULU: Spock? Scotty? Chapel? Chekov? All dead?

KIRK: Don't worry about Spock, he never stays dead. (to K'LUDWIG) So, what are you going to do with us, you Klingon bastards? We'll never talk, you know.

K'LUDWIG: Ahh, you Earthlings! I luf your sense of humor! Of course you von't talk!

(The four Klingons shoot KIRK, SULU, MCCOY, and UHURA.)

BLACKADDER: Run!

(BLACKADDER, GEORGE, and BALDRICK rush up into the house from the cellar and out the front door.)

K'LUDWIG: After dem!

(We cut to a stable near the edge of the city, where GEORGE, BALDRICK, and BLACKADDER sit on some barrels of hay.)

BLACKADDER: Well, I guess this is it. We can't beam back to the ship, and it won't be long before the Klingons find us. If only there was a way out of this...

BALDRICK: I have a cunning plan, Lt. B.

(BLACKADDER looks at BALDRICK, slightly astonished.)

BLACKADDER: You know, Baldrick, I've just had the most incredible sense of deja vu.

BALDRICK: You mean that in some previous lifetime of ours I told you I had a cunning plan, Lt. B?

BLACKADDER: No, I mean that this isn't the first time I've felt you should sod off.

GEORGE: Well, go on, yeoman, tell us your plan.

BALDRICK: Well, you see, sir, we could dress up as Captain Kirk, Mr. Sulu, and Dr. McCoy, you see? Then we could walk freely around the city looking for help.

BLACKADDER: (sarcastic and unimpressed) Don't you think the Klingons would shoot us, Baldrick?

BALDRICK: Ah, sir, but here's the cunning bit: they already shot Captain Kirk, Mr. Sulu, and Dr. McCoy, so they wouldn't shoot at us because they'd think we're already dead.

(BALDRICK smiles proudly.)

(a pause)

BLACKADDER: That is the stupidest plan I've ever heard of! Of all of the stupid plans you've come up with, that is the most moronic, incredibly imbecilic plan yet!

GEORGE: I agree! Yeoman, you forget that the Stevensonites expect the leader of any group to be bald. One of us would have to dress up as Uhura!

BLACKADDER: Oh my Ghod. (Walks away in disgust.) I'm trapped in a barn, hunted by Klingons, and I have to put up with Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber.

(The whine of a transporter...)

GEORGE: Blackadder! Look! Look! It's...

FLASHHEART: Stand back, lads! Between you and you and you and me, there's not enough room for the five of us! ah-WOOF! I've beamed in to rescue you -- not that I needed a transporter, I could've just gotten really excited and crawled down myself to the planet's surface! ah-WOOF!

(The whine of a transporter...)

FLASHHEART: Hey, Scotty, glad you could could make it! But then again, I make it several times a day! ah-WOOF!

BLACKADDER: Oh, Ghod, not that Scottish drip again...

SCOTTY: Now, now, we'll have none o' that, lad. Alright, Commander Flashheart, ye found 'em. But where are th' Captain and th' others?

GEORGE: Excuse me, sir, but we were told that you were dead.

FLASHHEART: Dead! Not hardly! They sent female Klingon warriors after me, but I handled them easily enough -- I just set my phallic phaser to "penetrate!" ah-WOOF!

SCOTTY: Aye, and he managed t' save me. We hid where we were sure no Klingon would think to look for us --

BLACKADDER: In a shower, no doubt.

SCOTTY: -- and then we flooded th' ship with knockout gas and took control again, after savin' all aboard that we could. Unfortunately, that was only one other person, Lt. Kyle. But we got rid o' the Klingons.

K'LUDWIG: Very clefer plan, Mr. Scott. But who vill safe you now?

(Klingons walk in.)

FLASHHEART: Attack! (Flashheart shows some truly amazing fighting ability.)

(Klingons die.)

BLACKADDER: Well, that's that, I expect. I guess we'll be beaming back to the Enterprise now?

FLASHHEART: Are you kidding? There's a planet to liberate, and I'm the man with the tool to liberate it! ah-WOOF! They need a man who can shoot straight, and I'm packin' a big weapon! ah-WOOF!

SCOTTY: The ship's yours, Blackadder. I've got t' help th' Stevensonites t' rebuild their electricity plant. When the Klingons arrived, they destroyed it, so that th' Stevensonites have got nae juice.

FLASHHEART: Fortunately, I'm filled with juice! ah-WOOF! Just hope I don't get too excited and flood the city! ah-WOOF!

(SCOTTY and FLASHHEART leave.)

GEORGE: What brave men, eh, Blackadder?

BALDRICK: Lt. B., does this mean I don't have to shave my head and disguise myself as Lt. Uhura?

BLACKADDER: (amazed at BALDRICK's stupidity) Tell me, Baldrick, exactly how did you get into Starfleet?

BALDRICK: It was Dr. McCoy, sir. He brought me aboard to help him run experiments in the lab.

BLACKADDER: Ah, now it becomes clear.

BALDRICK: He said I was the best storage facility for alien diseases that he'd ever seen.

BLACKADDER: Yes, well, Baldrick, Dr. McCoy always was a good judge of character. (He takes out his communicator). Beam us up.

(End Credits)

Blackadder finally commands,
('Til Spock decides to resume living,)
He warps to far and distant lands,
He ignores orders Starfleet's giving.

Blackadder! Blackadder!
Return that stolen ship!
Blackadder! Blackadder!
He's such a horrid drip!

Captain Kirk! Captain Kirk!
Ol' Flashheart took your job!
Captain Kirk! Captain Kirk!
He is their new heartthrob!

Black Adder XII: The Next Generation
Sixth episode (and you know what that means :)
A parody by Matthew Wayne Gertz
Copyright, I said COPYRIGHT, 1991
Permission to copy always, but must keep this header with the copy.