Bumper stickers from around the US:

I love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Assassins do it from behind.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

"My kid beats up your honor student."

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

All generalizations are false.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls**t before.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Mike's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.