Jason's Star Trek TNG Top Ten Lists
The Top 10 Reasons Why Riker Got Fat
10. Food replicators make damn fine donuts!
9. Wanted to be even more like his idol, James T. Kirk.
8. Picard was bald, Data had yellow eyes. Riker needed "a hook".
7. Thought bearded men should be fat and jolly.
6. Troi, angry at his rejection, telepathically signaled "EAT, Damn You, EAT!!"
5. Had to beef up in order to mud wrestle Worf.
4. When TOS crew got fat, they all got promoted to Captain.
3. Dr. Crusher refused to keep doing Liposuctions
2. Transporter malfunction-Riker's DNA combinded with Gracie, the Hump-Back whale.
1. If he couldn't command the Enterprise-D, he wanted to BE the Enterprise-D!
10. Rigellian Fleas
9. Trying to get junior officers to do the same
8. Just following Orders
7. More proper then other things he could tug on!!!
6. Rare Algolian rash
5. Used to twirl hair when nervous, but now . . .
4. It Just feels so darn good!
3. Spock did it and it was cool!
2. It drives the babes wild!
1. Artificial Heart requires periodic jumpstarting!
Top Ten Signs You're a Bad Klingon
10. You bathe daily
9. Your hair is neatly trimmed
8. You haven't had an urge to blow up anything recently
7. Instead of "Honor", you believe in "Bein' Groovy"
6. You have a complete Perry Como record collection
5. Whenever your brothers declare, "We are Klingons!" you reply, "Well, duh!"
4. Your name is "Alexander"
3. You speak using compound sentences and words of more than two syllables
2. You understand all principles of accounting
1. Three words: Romulan pen pals
Jean-Luc Picard's Top Ten Pet Peves
10. When Betazoids take the helm
9. Has to wait two years between adventures
8. This damn uniform keeps riding up
7. Nexus fantasy was a real bummer
6. Riker gets to direct better episodes
5. Didn't get to meet Chekov in "Star Trek: Generations"
4. Kinda liked being Locutus, why did Riker have to go and rescue him?
3. Other starship captains who wear wigs
2. How come, when he gets top billing, Bill Shatner still makes more money
1. "Love Boat: The Next Generation"
The Top Ten Reasons Why Deanna Is Always Crying
10. Her outfits are two sizes too small The TOP TEN worries of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard
10. Has to figure out at least a token punishment for Worf for killing a crew member who hid a tribble in Worf's bed as a practical joke. "The Enterprise Stops at Taco Bell"
10. (Troi) I sense... indigestion. Picard's Top 10 Crew Fantasies
10. A deep desire that Worf will punch Riker out over Deanna. Top Ten Improvements On The Enterprise 1701-E
10. Transporter lock-outs to guarantee Wesley Crusher never gets aboard. The Top Ten ways to get rid of Wesley
10. After slugging down six Shirley Temple's in Ten-Forward, Wes stumbles to the holodeck which he commands to "take me to hell." His broken body is later found on the empty holodeck in a pool of vomit. The Love Boat vs. Star Trek: the Next Generation
Love Boat Bald Captain Black Bartender Young Vicki is related to a crewmember and works on the ship Ship's doctor is a main character Julie the cruise director is sexy but annoying Actors stand in front of screen, upon which is projected background of open sea A dumping ground for second-rate washed-up guest stars Going to strange new ports-of-call Cheesy opening song Too many scenes of self-indulgent crap in the lounge Socially retarded character with job description for name (Gopher) In late-night syndication Bad 2-hour pilot Love Boat has lifeboats and flotation devices Scenes linked by ship shots One character inexplicably replaced, then returned (Julie) After-the-fact bed scenes with pointless discussion Captain straightens uniform when disgusted/angry/nervous Final scene takes place on loading dock; crew waves goodbye Aaron Spelling rules with iron fist, annoying die-hard fans At conventions, everyone is dressed like Dr. Adam Bricker Isaac the Bartender has useless gesture, pointing slightly forward Intercrew friction always resolved within allotted 1 hour time slot Top Ten Bumperstickers on the Starship Enterprise
10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!" Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship: "Blonde Borgs have the same fun." Top 20 Uses For Data's Detached Head
20. Combonation paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk The Top Ten Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard
10. Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!" Top Ten Fun Things To Do Aboard The Starship Enterprise
10. PLaying Jimi Hendrix in the Holodeck while Geordi is there and using appropriate psychodelia on the walls to drive him crazy Top Ten Changes From Jean-Luc Picard Playing It Safe In "Tapestry"
10. Wesley Crusher was never born Top Ten Things We Really Wanted To See In "The Chase"
10. Eric Luenville come in at any point and start off by saying "Dr. Auschlander..." Top 21 Signs That the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty
21. Impulse engines stall when used in reverse. Top Ten Practical Jokes On The Next Generation
10. Riker's commmunicator pin replaced with Klingon agonizer 10. Borg ships the size of softballs. The Top 20 Surprise Plot Twists In Upcoming TNG Episodes
20. Worf signs his son Alexander up for ballet lessons Top 19 things you'll never hear on the USS Enterprise
19. Worf: Klingons do *not* play tiddlywinks! Data: (looks puzzled) Pot? (brightens) Ah. Marijuana - a narcotic obtained from the hemp plant. Cannibid. Weed. Mary Jane. Grass. Reefer. Panama Red . . . Riker: What will that do?
Geordi: Not a damn thing, but it sure as hell *sounds* impressive! Top Ten April Fools Jokes on the Enterprise
10. Everybody act like Riker is the captain Top Ten Changes If Star Trek Had Sponsors
10. O'Brien would say "Thank you for using the Federation Express transporter." Top Ten Reasons Why The Three Stooges Could Easily Take Command Of The USS Enterprise
10. Troi would not comprehend their emotions: "Captain, I sense...whoo! whoo! ...You numbskull.... Why, I oughta..."
9. Barkley has scheduled an appointment everyday for the next year!
8. She can't decide which hairdo looks the best
7. Because she knows she will always work the graveyard shift Bridge duty
6. She's under attack by yet another unknown telepathic alien
5. It's monday (or tuesday, or wednesday, or ...)
4. The replicator ran out of chocolate
3. She realizes no male with the last name Riker will ever choose her over a starship
2. Her mother is Lwaxana Troi
1. She found out they are manufacturing Goddess of Empathy figurines!
9. The impulse engines have been making a funny noise lately.
8. Crew refers to him as "Captain Chrome-Dome Retard" behind his back.
7. That the voices in his head telling him to throw Counselor Troi out an airlock will become too insistent to ignore.
6. Wesley might come to visit
5. Luwxanna Troi might come to visit
4. Geordi is taking a shuttlecraft apart and mailing it home piece by piece.
3. If he doesn't get the pizzas to Starbase 141 within thirty minutes, they're free
2. The way Data keeps reading "2001: A Space Odyssey" over and over again and keeps calling him Dave.
1. Riker will keep turning down promotion after promotion and he'll NEVER get rid of the big dork!
9. (Picard) Don't order the fajitas, Number One, they'll go through you at warp nine.
8. (Wesley, guest starring) Look, mister, the sign says you get a free "Little Orphan Annie" cup with any taco salad purchase, and I'm not leaving here till I get one!
7. (Worf) Klingons do NOT eat burritos!
6. (Geordi) I bet if I allowed anti-matter to collide with these chimichangas we could boost warp power by 47 percent!
5. (Dr. Crusher, pointing tricorder at a taco) Inconclusive meat readings, Captain.
4. (Picard) You're on, Number One. Whoever can squirt the most jalapeno sauce up his nose gets treated to dessert.
3. (Riker) What do you mean you don't serve tokelau here? What kind of Mexican restaurant is this?
2. (Data, re-joining Geordi after bugging Picard with a boring monologue on the history of the enchilada) I do not believe it is physically possible for me to place an enchilada in the area suggested by the Captain.
1. (Picard) When we get back on the ship and you have the conn, Number One, you'd better not queef on my chair!
9. A deep desire that Deanna and her mother will fall into a black hole...
8. Data will learn to use humor effectively.
7. Geordi will do something in the time he says it'll take.
6. A deep desire that Riker would fall into a black hole.
5. A deep desire that the disruptor in "The Next Phase" had not been phased. (Ten-Forward scene)
4. Ro and Worf pair up to kill Wesley and Riker.
3. Worf will get trigger happy and accidentally destroy the shuttlecraft
holding Deanna, Riker, and Wesley.
2. Wesley will either grow up and/or meet up with a bunch of angry
Klingons.
1. Beverly wises up.
9. Toilets flush blue.
8. New shields curved to fit more comfortably.
7. Video library has no copy of Star Trek V.
6. Call forwarding sends Borg ultimatums directly to the Dominion.
5. Corinthian leather.
4. Viewscreen can't pick up "Platypus Man."
3. Kid-proofed.
2. Every holodeck has a built-in Goddess of Empathy program.
1. BRAKES!
9. Wesley gets gang-raped by a group of female Klingons.
8. Riker gets carried away executing an order from Picard to "knock the little snot around a bit."
7. Data catches him tossing off. Uncomprehending, he requires a detailed explanation from Wesley, who dies of embarassment.
6. Extensive lab analysis of a green slime found on one of the control panels uncovers the fact that our favorite ensign has, once again, been picking his nose. He is sumarily fired.
5. Wes gets gang-raped by a group of male Klingons.
4. On an earlier episone, Wes got to kiss a girl who turned into a Chewbacca-like creature. Here, she returns, and they once again get involved. (Un) fortunately, once she gets really heated, she mutates back into a wookie and forces Wesley to be her cringing sex slave. She then tears him limb from limb and eats him.
3. In a rare episode involving characters from both ST and ST:TNG, Spock attempts a Vulcan mind-meld with Wesley. Spock barely survives, spending the next several days scratching himself and whining.
2. Worf notices a Romulan ship on the scanners, and sends Wesley down to clean the photon tubes. Later, someone makes a comment about the needs of the many having outweighed the needs of the few.
1. Wes gets involved in a deviant sexual practice known as "tribble stuffing", not realizing that tribbles multiply anywhere. Even an emergency laser enema by Dr. Crusher fails to save him.
ST:TNG
Bald Captain
Black Bartender
Young Wesley is related to a crewmember and works on the ship
Ship's doctor is a main character
Troi the ship's councelor is sexy but annoying
Actors stand in front of screen, upon which is projected background of open space
A dumping ground for second-rate washed-up guest stars
Going to strange new worlds
Cheesy opening song
Too many scenes of self-indulgent crap in the holodeck
Socially retarded character with job description for name (Data)
In late-night syndication
Bad 2-hour pilot
Enterprise has shuttlecrafts and detaching saucer section
Scenes linked by ship shots
One character inexplicably replaced, then returned (Crusher)
After-the-fact bed scenes with pointless discussion
Captain straightens uniform when disgusted/angry/nervous
Final scene takes place on transporter; crew waves goodbye
Gene Roddenberry rules with iron fist, annoying die-hard fans
At conventions, everyone is dressed like Mr. Spock
Captain Picard has useless gesture, pointing slightly forward
Intercrew friction always resolved within allotted 1 hour time slot
9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
2. "We brake for cubes!"
1. "Wesley On Board!"
Second Best Bumpersticker: "Hair color is irrelevent, you will have fun."
Third best: "Fun is irrelevent."
19. The ball in Parisis' Squares
18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
16. Scare blind students in Braille class
15. Prop open doors for maintainence crews
14. Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
13. Footstool for Captain's chair
12. entertaining kids in day care puppet show
11. Scare Alexander into doing chores
10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
9. Decorative air filter in picard's fish tank
8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in research
7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
6. Two words: tether ball
5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
3. Donate to Starfleet Academny to be head of the class
2. Use as nutcracker at Christmastime
1. Prove to insuracne company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy
9. Yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft
8. Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
7. Spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead
6. Lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms
5. Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there
4. Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL Picard Maneuver"
3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
2. Telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it so"
1. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up
9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
7. Giving Worf A nuggie
6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger's crystals
4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self-destruct sequence
3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can
1. Tribble sex!
9. Serious diplomatic incident occured onboard the Enterprise becuase Embassador wanted Earl Grey tea--which was not programmed into replicator
8. Population of San Fransisco in 1900 approximately 10
7. Ferengi kidnap Luxwana Troi, and a year later pay Betazed to take her back
6. Benjamin Sisko, while commanding the Saratoga hits the USS Bozeman and dies--Miles O'Brien in charge of Deep Space Nine
5. Data replaced by his brother Lore, "accidental" photon torpedo firings still plaguging ship
4. Worf now head of Klingon Empire
3. Sela now head of Romulan Empire
2. Next Captian of the USS Enterprise will be Nick Lacarno
1. "Wow look at the huge cube-shaped ship, I wonder if its freindly"
9. Picard drop that relic (or throw it in a fit of rage)
8. Worf just smile smugly when the Iridian ship blew up and say "oops"
7. Riker hit on that Cardassian Captain
6. Picard roll metal balls in his hand when Crusher and Troi were talking to him
5. Two words: The Borg
4. More interaction between Data and the Klingon Captian
3. The Romulan away team being led by Sela, just so we can see her screw up again
2. After the message playing, everyone who saw it saying in unison "That's it?"
1. Right after the message, the sound of a Ferengi saying "D'oh!" from behind a rock
20. Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88."
19. Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
18. Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book.
17. Computer fails to process any instruction beginnig with "w."
16. Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
15. Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
14. Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
13. Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
12. Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.
11. Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
10. Holodeck become caught in infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
9. Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.
8. Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
7. Bug in main computer speech proccessor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
6. Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
5. Ship's dryer indiscriminently shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
4. Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please, with sugar on it."
3. Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and loses access to nude volleyball program.
2. Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted, and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
1. Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.
9. Worf's bed is short sheeted.
8. Captain Picard's Earl-Grey secertly replaced with Folgers Crystals.
7. Data's supply of WD-40 replaced with Super Extra Strength Hairspray.
6. Guinan keeps looking at Picard, then at her watch, then at Picard, then at her watch, then...
5. Geordi's visor wired to receive only the SCI-FI channel.
4. Troi locked in turbolift with Andrew Dice Clay.
3. Beverly Crusher tells Picard that Wesley MIGHT be his son, but nothin else
2. Worf is mistakenly qouted as "I am NOT a homosexual!"
1 Starfleet Academy computer enrolls Wesley in nothing but wood shop classes.
9. Borg ships with the power output of a 30W light bulb.
8. Borg assimilation of tricorders and hand phasers becomes a real annoyance for Starfleet.
7. Borg get massacred by Packleds.
6. Ferengi discover that a trash can with a Borg cube in the bottom never has to be emptied.
5. Borg endangered by felines playing with their cubes.
4. The Borg scout cubes are found to be the advance over the Swiss Army knife that the Boy Scout knife wasn't.
3. Borg cubes make a great substitute for bricks.
2. Borg space heaters.
1. Borg Hockey!
19. Data swears
18. Guinan removes her hat, revealing that she is a Saturday Night Live style Conehead
17. Picard beams down
16. All of Geordi's lines are in words of two syllables or less, with no pseudo-scientific doubletalk
15. Troi runs amok with a machete
14. Barclay is really the Captain; Picard is just an ensign, and all of his "command" has been a holodeck simulation
13. No guest stars are relatives of Tasha Yar
12. Geordi gets a woman
11. Riker doesn't get a woman
10. Data states that he cannot use contractions after using one in the previous scene, and the fabric of the universe, unable to withstand the continuity error, is rent asunder
9. Picard wakes up muttering "there's no place like home"
8. Riker accepts command of another starship, the U.S.S. ZZ Top
7. Ten Forward is turned into a strip-joint, with its lead act being Beverly Crusher as "The Dancing, Disrobing Doctor"
6. Tired of not being sure whether he is a lieutenant or a chief petty officer, O'Brien beams the entire bridge crew into a black hole and assumes the rank of Captain
5. Picard fires the phasers
4. "Prime Directive" is the word of the day, entire crew goes "Aaaaahhhhh!!" at the top of their lungs whenever it is mentioned
3. Data's cat, Spot, is revealed as a Romulan spy
2. Wesley is affected the same as the rest of the crew, and a no-name security guard saves the ship
1. Picard switches from Earl Grey to Nestea Instant Tea Mix; does "Nestea Plunge" into swimming pool on holodeck
18. Picard: No, please, Mr. Data, do go on. I find your list of synonyms for 'extinct' fascinating...
17. Picard: It's too bad we don't live in an enlightened, civilized era like they had in the twentieth century.
16. Picard: Good work, Councellor. If you hadn't told us those aliens had hostile intent, we would have been completely fooled by their plan"
15. Geordi: Did you hear Wesley almost got kicked out of the Academy again? They caught him smoking pot!
14. Crusher: Jean-Luc, since the ship is in no danger at all, and we're not about to die, there's something I want to tell you...
13. Troi (to someone she is counseling): You've obviously mistaken me for someone who care! Now get out!
12. Geordi: The... doohicky... has gone all... funny, making that gizmo light up...the one that means the warp engines are... ya know... all messed up.
11. Worf: Ouch! I got a paper cut!
10. Picard: Captain's Log, Stardate... damn. What's the date? Number One, what's today? No, I know it's Tuesday, what's the date? The STARdate!!
9. A Starfleet Admiral: Don't worry about it, Picard, there are plenty of other ships in your quadrant.
8. Picard: Tea, Lemon Zinger, iced.
7. Riker: Not tonight -- I have a headache.
6. Worf: Klingons do NOT wear frilly underwear... at least not on duty.
5. Worf: Do we have to beam down right now? The Smurfs are on subspace T.V.!
4. "Prime Directive? We don't need no steenkin' Prime Directive!"
3. Geordi: We've modified the warp coils be reversing the polarity of the inverse geometric phase integrator and adding a broad-band neutrino generator to the hyper-magnetic field controls.
2. Worf: The aliens are locking their weapons on us... firing... a miss. Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can laugh in their faces?
1. Picard: Ah, what the heck. I'm bored. Screw the hailing frequencies, fire at will.
9. Pretend you've been taken over by an alien being
8. Program the replicator in Troi's room so that it won't make chocolate
7. Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer
6. Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him
5. Put a small speaker in Dr. Crusher's bedroom to play garbled voices
4. Lock Picard in the children's schoolroom with several children and no adults
3. Substitute some of Dr. Crusher's moss with moss showing 24 hours more growth
2. Put a sign on Worf's back that says "Kick Me!"
1. Yell into your communicator "Captain, the antimatter containment fields are collapsing"
9. Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say "Pepsi, the choice of the Next Generation"
8. Main bridge viewscreen would have "VH1" in the corner
7. Holodeck doors would say Sony Trinitron System
6. Communicator pins would be in the shape of an alligator
5. Mercedes symbol painted on the saucer section
4. Turbolifts would have "OTIS ELEVATOR" signs
3. Ten-Forward would have a large neon "Miller Litespeed" sign
2. After communicator beeps, a voice says, "Thank you for using AT&T"
1. Enterprise name changed to American Express Enterprise
9. Riker will be reduced to tears when they call him "Fat Boy."
8. Transporter. Cream pie. You get the picture.
7. Curly could jam turbolifts with his head, rendering security unable to leave their deck.
6. Larry, Moe and Curly have already been where no man has been before.
5. The Enterprise crew will be mesmerized by Curly as he does the curly shuffle, and Moe and Larry will take control of the ship.
4. Wesley won't be there to save the Enterprise in the last few minutes with something he learned in science class.
3. Picard doesn't know the block.
2. If Curly can take a lead pipe to the head, he's just going to laugh at a phaser on stun.
1. Any stooge can outrun Enterprise security.
