Jason's Star Trek Voyager Top Ten Lists
Top ten indications that Voyager is taking the Gilligan's Island parallels a little too far
10. Bamboo and palm leaves become the primary means of repair for the ship.
9. Retracting her earlier statement, Captain Janeway choses to be addressed as "Skipper" during a crunch.
8. Torres and Kim develop a super-sensitive subspace radio to pick up the "groovy" music of the Alpha Quadrant.
7. The words, "and the rest . . ." are added to the end of the cast credits.
6. Every week the crew is visited by another castaway who always manages to find his or her way home by the end of the episode, yet does nothing to help the Voyager crew..
5. Replicator rations are replaced with "Coconut cream pies" as a reward for exemplary work.
4. The Doctor decides that he doesn't want a name afterall, since, that Professor fellow never needed one.
3. The first act of every show begins with Chakotay running through the corridors yelling, "Captain! . . . Captain!" (replace "Captain" with "Skipper" depending on the "crunchiness" of the situation).
2. The directors replace violent camera-shaking with comical speeded-up photography (Chakotay running through the corriders yelling, "Captain! . . . Captain!")
1."Just sit right back and hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip that started from this Bajoran port, aboard this tiny ship . . . " (c'mon, you know the words!)
Top Ten Advantages of Having a Holographic Doctor
10. Can hit program "fast forward" while waiting naked in examining room for him to show up.
9. Computer modifications since the M-5 mishap ensure there can never be a holographic Doctor Kevorkian.
8. If you're really good, will give you a lollipop after exam.
7. Can terminate program when time comes to pay bill.
6. Instead of performing surgery to correct bad vision, he can blur himself for you.
5. Even though he constantly whines about working in a situation he's not happy about, he and Maggie O'Connell still make a cute couple.
4. Is programmed to know every joke that starts, "A man walks into a doctor's office..."
3. Among the 47 doctors who contributed to his knowledge is brain surgeon Michael Hfuhruhurr.
2. He's not Bashir.
1. You don't have to turn your head when you cough.
Top Ten Titles For Upcomng Voyager Episodes
10. "Effect and Cause"
9. "Time and Again, Again"
8. "Time Doesn't Pay"
7. "Time of the Ancient Mariner"
6. "Brother, Can You Spare a Time?"
5. "Seltzer With a Twist of Time"
4. "Time Okay, You're Okay"
3. "Time Every Mountain"
2. "Time a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree"
1. "Mighty Morphing Power Temporal Anomalies"
Top 10 Stage Directions and throwaway lines for New Voyager Directors
10. Tom Paris: (suavely) "Come on, Harry." Top 10 Refresher Courses Being Taught on Voyager
10. The Prime Directive: How to break it without getting caught. Top Ten Other Horrible Fates For Crewmembers Just Introduced Last Week On Voyager
10. Forced to eat Neelix's "Spicey Undercooked Fish" Top Ten Things Neelix and Kes Do When They're Alone Together Offscreen
10. Twister! The top 10 reasons to be concerned about the USS Voyager 10. The crew are big fans of the HMS Bounty.
9. B'elanna Torres (with hint of anger) "My way will work!"
8. Captain Janeway (hands on hips)
7. Alien contact (fighting to keep straight face) "With that voice? No c'mon really, whose the Captain?"
6. Neelix (stammering)
5. Lt Tuvok .... say, I know I'm only a rookie director but ain't his pips screwed up? Far be it for me to question all you experienced writers and Trek staff but...
4. Ens Kim (this spot reserved until he develops more of a personality)
3. Kes (all-knowingly) "Ok, I've finished in the hydro-ponics lab and foresaw one more planet's demise, I'm ready to learn brain surgery!"
2. Doc Zimmerman (matter of factly): "State the nature of your medical emergency."
1.Capt Janeway: (deer-caught-in-headlights-look-at- viewscreen)
9. Medicine 101. How to administer first aid in case of holodoc failure, hosted by Kes.
8. Creative Engineering 225. Transporting when the shields are up.
7. Security 115. Using minimal precautions when beaming down to uncharted planets.
6. Duck and Cover. How to avoid losing primary organs, with guest lecturer Neelix.
5. Creative Engineering 205. How to hot-wire holodecks while on food rations.
4. Counseling 453. Coming to terms with your dual nature, hosted by B'elanna.
3. Command 322. How to pull the wool over the eyes of senior officers, hosted by Tuvok.
2. Alien Lifeforms. Falling in love and other things to avoid, hosted by Kathryn Janeway.
1. First Contact. Changing cultural beliefs and societies, with guest lecturer Harry Kim.
9. Attacked by probe that overwrites brain with Microsoft software
8. Made into delicious high-protein diet shake for planet of fitness enthusiasts
7. Split into "Interesting" and "Less Interesting" halves by alien scientist; "Interesting" half killed while trying to escape
6. "Interesting" DNA is re-integrated, but alien scientist pursues crewmember all across the Delta Quadrant in order to make his race popular at parties
5. Stranded in alternate universe with cast of "Sliders"
4. Stomped on by giant Greek God alien who romances Captain Janeway
3. Attacked by deadly living gaseous cloud with the tell-tale aroma of wet dogs
2. Discovered the hard way that one of the Delaney sisters is actually the "dark" side of the other
1. Transported by female Caretaker to Alpha Quadrant - of Andromeda Galaxy! *Doh*!
9. Square dancing!
8. Sing along with "Sing Along with the Osmonds" record
7. Eat Wonderbread by the loaf (Kes only)
6. Experiment with new clothes!
5. Participate in Middle-Earth holo-novel
4. Run Kes' lucrative law partnership
3. Make lava lamps for the Kazon
2. Impromptu Miss Delta Quadrant pageants!
1. Gaze adoringly into each other's eyes while reading each other passages from "Life's Little Instruction Book!"
by David Letterman.
9. Prime Directive? We don't need no stinking Prime Directive!
8. It will be revealed that the new captain is one of Mudd's women.
7. The original script named the captain Ginger, and the first mate Gilligan.
6. Delta Quadrant, there goes the neighborhood.
5. Its just another warranty claim on the Starfleet ship yards.
4. The new first officer (native american and former terrorist) just found out the Captain is a descendant of Custer.
3. The holographic doctor is a leftover from the Clinton healthcare plan.
2. They might get home. Remember what happened the last time a craft named Voyager came home (it spawned a terrible movie).
1. The defense systems are controlled by a Pentium processor. (cha-ching)
