This will not be as funny for those non-Washingtonians.

Instructions for DC residents during heavy tourist season

Every year ga-zillions of visitors flock to the District of Columbia to soak up the majesty of the nation's capitol. You'll notice they stop frequently in heavy traffic to consult the map, hail taxicabs in the middle of the Teddy Roosevelt bridge, drop ice cream on the Metro and leave it there, form lines for the Smithsonian buildings that Russians would eschew, and are generally clueless about how to live life in an expeditious way. Nevertheless, when they need assistance, they will turn to you for it. As an ambassador of the District, you should have something courteous to say:

Advice for tourists in DC

• Don't miss the weekly weenie roasts at the Eternal Flame
• Find and use the dining car on the Metro
• If the cab doesn't have a meter, you ride for free
• Play a game of handball at the unique v-shaped black marble court on the mall by the Lincoln Memorial
• Make sure to visit the 19th century French Impressionist "Scratch & Sniff" room at the National Gallery of Art
• Give your dear, departed Fido or Tabby a suitable resting place at the Arlington National Cemetary--bring your own shovel
• Help keep the nation's capital clean: after entering the Metro through the turnstyle, deposit your used fare card in the trash can
• If you miss your exit on the Beltway, don't worry. Remember, it's a circle, so just keep on going around, and before you know it, you'll be back at your desired exit!
• Trinkets are awarded to anyone who can get the Secret Service agents guarding the President to laugh
• The best way to get to D.C. is to take the Capitol Beltway until you hit the Capitol.
• Flashing floor lights in the Metro signal an oncoming earthquake. Run for your life!
• Cheering is encouraged during oral arguments at the Supreme Court
• Single women should not miss Dupont Circle, where you will find many good-looking unmarried men
• For best results, crinkle up your dollar bills real good to "soften" them up before using the Metro card machines
• When taking a taxi, ask to see as many "zones" as possible. This is a delightful way to see the city.
• There's free parking for Ryder rental trucks next to the FBI Building
• If you get thirsty while walking around town, stop in the Mayor's office or residence and ask for some Coke.
• To avoid blocking pedestrian traffic, press up real close to the person in front of you who is using the ATM
• Going to the zoo? Don't forget to bring your swim trunks/suit for a refreshing dip in any of the zoo's conveniently located moats
• Bring your clubs! Wednesday is ladies' day at Burning Tree
• In all Metro stations, be sure to stop immediately at the top or bottom of each escalator and take a roll call of everyone in your party before proceeding.