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That 70s Show - "The Christmas Episode"
Summary:
Christmas time is coming and everyone is busy. While Eric worries what gift to get Donna, Kelso and Fez have gotten jobs at a department store as Santa's helpers. Kelso lusts after one of the female elves, Sandy, and despite company policy, they begin to sneak off during their breaks and make out in the storeroom. One day, Eric comes upon Donna and Jackie talking in the basement discussing Christmas gifts. He overhears Donna say that she did not buy him anything. However, he doesn't know that when Donna heard him coming down the basement stairs, she made a plan with Jackie. To test both whether he was listening or not and to see if he would still give her a gift, Donna lied about not getting him anything. Eric returns the expensive gift he bought her, only to have her give him a gift. She explains the situation and after being annoyed for little while, she forgives him. Eventually, Sandy and Kelso's behavior catches up with them. The Manager's young son and daughter discover them and the Manager promptly fires them both. Sandra dumps Kelso, who is disappointed but rapidly bounces back. During all of this, Kitty has gone crazy with the Christmas decorating. Mistakenly, Red uses one of her ornaments as a coaster for his beer and destroys it. After Kitty has a fit, she calms down and realizes that the decorations aren't that important after all. In the end, everyone realizes that family and friends are more important than anything else during Christmas (and the rest of the year).
Introduction:
This scene occurs after Kelso and Fez get jobs at Daisy's Department Store as Santa's helpers (aka elves). Eric comes to buy Donna a present and Hyde is there because he has nothing better to do.
(Kelso, Fez, Eric and Hyde are at a department store decorated to the hilt for Christmas. Fake snow,
small children, and hassled parents fill the store. Everything is more than a little chaotic.)
(Kelso begins staring at one of Santa's female helpers dressed in a particularly revealing elf costume)
Hyde: Hey man, what'cha looking at? (sees the object of Kelso's fascination)
Kelso: She's wicked hot…mmmm….bet she wants me…
Hyde: Ahhh…(takes a long look at her) Right…yes, I'm sure she wants you, which is exactly why she hasn't even looked over here. She's nice, but even you won't get her…well, why you get anyone is beyond me. Don't bother wasting your time…not that you have anything better to do.
(Kelso ignores him. Hyde looks at her again, looks at Kelso, shrugs and walks away)
(The trainer comes over. She is one of those store employees who always has an extremely pasted on grin and is always happy)
Trainer: Hi everyone! I'm looking for a Michael Kelso and a (pauses, looks confused)…Fez?
Fez: (jumps up enthusiastically) I'm Fez (nods towards Kelso, who is still preoccupied) and that's Kelso.
Trainer: Nice to meet you both! Welcome to the wonderful world of Christmas-land at Daisy's Department Store, where you always find low prices and great stuff, no matter what you're looking for!
(Hyde is becoming irritated. A small child begins grabbing onto his leg and screaming, "I want my mommy")
Hyde: Great, we're in a mall, we're in the Christmas section, we're being harassed by a psychotically happy salesman, and (notices the kid grabbing onto his leg) What the hell is this about? (wrenches kid off leg, kid runs off crying)
(Everyone turns and gives him a dirty look)
Hyde: What? I'm getting out of here…
(Hyde and Eric leave)
Trainer: Well, it's nice to meet you both! This here, is our annual Christmas section where you two will be working this Christmas season. You'll be wearing these lovely costumes (holds up elf costumes), very comfortable, stylish, all that, don't worry at all. You'll be greeting customers with nice big happy smiles on your faces and leading the cute little munchkins over to jolly old St. Nick. Of course, you'll have to keep them quiet and happy if there's a line, but there's never a line (a little kid starts screaming…joined by more and more
little kids, Trainer yells over them) and no one is ever unhappy because it's Christmas and we're here at
Daisy's!
(During all of this, Fez begins by watching attentively and gradually becomes more and more bored. He is finally reduced to leaning on the counter with a very glazed over look. Kelso continues to be fascinated by elf-girl.)
Trainer: Well, now it's time to introduce you to your fellow associates! (Trainer walks over to the Christmas
display, with Fez and Kelso following him) That is Sandra, (pointing to elf-girl) and over there is…(Trainer continues on)
(Kelso goes into a dream sequence)
(Kelso is in a winter-wonderland with Sandra, with her in her little elf costume and him in winter clothing. They dance around in the snow and he playfully chases and catches her. She turns around to face him.)
Sandra (very sweetly): Oh, Michael, you're the best boyfriend I've ever had. I love you. You're just wonderful. Will you make sweet passionate hot love to me? (Sandra swoons and falls into Kelso's arms)
Kelso: Of course, my dear, anything you want. (Kelso and Sandra kiss)
(Comes out of dream sequence, with Kelso still gazing at Sandra and another saleswoman noticing his stare - she's
kind of a dumpy, older woman who is protective of the other female employees)
Saleswoman: Looks like someone's dreaming about her naked…
(several other people, including Sandra, turn around to look at him)
(Kelso snaps out of his reverie and looks very embarrassed)
Sandra (gives him a dirty look): (says barely loud enough for everyone to hear) Just what I need; yet another jerk lusting after me.
Kelso (trying to win her favor): Oh, hello Sandra…nice to meet you.
Sandra: I'm sure it is.
(Fez just kind of shakes his head while the Trainer continues to talk incessantly over the previous exchange)
Trainer: Blah, bla-blah, bla-blah, bla-blah (finally she finishes)
Trainer: Just one more rule - there's no inter-employee dating. Well, I hope you enjoy your job here! Have a great time! (Trainer smiles broadly and walks off whistling)
(Kelso and Fez are left with costumes in hand)
Fez (turns to Kelso): Did you just hear her? (Kelso shrugs) She said no inter-employee dating.
Kelso: So? I don't have to date Sandra. I'd be happy just having sex with her or at least making out.
(Fez just shakes head and rolls eyes)
(Scene cut to Eric and Hyde)
Eric (whining): What am I going to get Donna? I mean, we're not dating any more, I can't get her anything romantic…it was hard enough to get something for her before. What do I do?
Hyde: Why bother getting her anything? Why waste more money on her? You spent enough money on her when you were dating.
Eric (hurt): No, I didn't…besides, it was worth it.
(Hyde raises eyebrows and gives him an "it was?" look)
Eric: No, it really was…
(Hyde keeps looking at him)
Eric: I mean, I swear it was… (begins to look more and more nervous/unsure of himself)….really… (stutters a little) it's not the same now, obviously, but she's still my best friend…. (is getting more irritated and fidgety) …she's important to me…and I really should get her something… she's getting me a gift…
(Hyde shakes his head)
Eric: I think she is at least…
(Hyde shakes his head again)
Eric: Well, I'm going to go look…you can come or not. (Is quite nervous and unsure. Eric quickly walks away, almost running)
Hyde: Pathetic. (Hyde walks away)
(A chirpy Salesgirl greets Eric)
Salesgirl: Hello sir, what can I help you with today?
Eric: Um, well…. I'm looking for a Christmas present.
Salesgirl (sweet-sarcastic): Well, yes, that's what most of our customers are here for this time of year…it is nearly Christmas, after all. Who are you buying the present for?
Eric (hesitant): Well…it's for this girl…
Salesgirl: Girlfriend or future girlfriend?
Eric: Uh, well, ex-girlfriend… (quickly follows with) but we're still friends - best friends, really.
Salesgirl (surprised at first and then understanding): Ohhh, I see.
Eric: What does that mean?
Salesgirl: Well, we don't get many guys buying for their ex-girlfriends…. (adds as a note) I mean, unless they're still in love with them, of course.
Eric (stammers): No, no, it's totally platonic, really, nothing romantic at all, just looking for a nice gift for my best friend who just happens to be a girl…
Salesgirl: (still looks unconvinced) Right, right, I see…. well, we have some nice items over here. How about a candle?
Eric: She gave me one once… (drifts off in thought)
Salesgirl: Perfume?
Eric: Huh?
Salesgirl (more emphatically): Perfume?
Eric: Nah, she doesn't wear it.
Salesgirl: Makeup?
Eric: Definitely not.
Salesgirl: Jewelry?
Eric: Too romantic…
Salesgirl: Scarf?
Eric: Ummmm……no.
Salesgirl: Teddy bear?
Eric: No….
Salesgirl: Picture frame?
Eric: No, I don't think so.
(Salesgirl gradually gets more and more irritated, speaking quicker and louder…losing some of the chirpiness)
Salesgirl: Bath bubbles?
Eric: Definitely not.
Salesgirl: A journal?
Eric: Maybe…. hmmm…. maybe not.
Salesgirl: Stationary?
Eric: No, doesn't seem like her.
Salesgirl (now quite frustrated): Then what does she want?
Eric: I don't know…. that's why I was asking you.
Salesgirl: (yelling) How am I supposed to know what the hell she wants? You're the one who dated her!
(Everyone turns around and looks at her)
Salesgirl (embarrassed and becomes sweet again): Ummm…I mean, have a nice day sir, I hope what you find what you're looking for at Daisy's Department Store. (Smiles really widely and walks off)
Eric (despairingly): What do I do now?
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