Episode 101
The Bucket of Truth
The episode begins with the UCB on a routine salvage
mission during which they discover the Bucket of Truth, a normal bucket
that makes people see unmitigated, unadulterated, immutable truth when
they look into it.
Antoine later places the Bucket of Truth in a house,
but is spotted by Cassie McMatson who is in the process of wondering off
from her parents, who are looking for a new house. The house is lovely,
and is complemented by the addition of a Hot-Chicks Room. While Charna
McMatson is opposed to this room, her husband Miles loves the idea.
Although the room was installed in the early 80's and some of the chicks
aren't that hot anymore, they are, in fact, replacable. During this
time, discovers that Cassie is missing, but Mr. McMatson is too busy
checing for outlets in the hot-chicks room to notice.
We then meet Captain Lunatic, who is investigating the
mysterious rubber-necking stoner named Bong-Boy. Bong-Boy has trouble
distinguishing reality from reality-based television because of his chemical
dependacy. Bong-Boy was recently sighted at a mass trampling following
a Titté Brothers concert at Madison Square Garden. Lunatic's
ravings at God summon his son Leonard. He reports that Lunatic was
bumming out his high, no, he's not smoking marijuana again, he's high on
life, and no, he's not touching himself again, he's using his pillows.
Leonard asks Lunatic why he cries when he puts his gun in his mouth every
night, and he informs his son that it's because he's thinking about his
wife, who died many years ago. Leonard tries to cheer his father
up by dancing for him like his wife used to, but it is innefectual.
Next, Mrs. McMatson is trying to get into the hot-chicks
room, and when the realtor comes back out, he announces that she just bought
herself a new home. The realtor is very happy to sell the house because
most families with kids are too narrow-minded to buy a house with a Bucket
of Truth. After the realtor explains the Bucket of Truth to Mrs.
McMatson, she informs the realtor that she doesn't want Cassie to know
unadulterated truth. She is distrought by these recent events, and
calls 911. Colby, posing as a 911 operator, patches her through to
Captain Lunatic, who is put on the case of the missing girl.
While searching for Cassie, Lunatic runs across Bong-Boy.
Bong-Boy informs Lunatic that he did see Cassie, fighting with her drunk
husband, whose face was all pixelated, but then realizes he was just watching
Cops. Lunatic then tries to make Bong-Boy talk by using the standard
techniques of making him hit himself, taking his nose, and cracking an
egg on his head. Bong-Boy tells Lunatic to start by interviewing
her parents like they do on America's Most Wanted. Just before Lunatic
can bust Bong-Boy for Marijuana possesion, three bank robers run by, and
Lunatic is force to go after them.
Cassie is then at the door of a strange man with a slight
lisp selling Girl Scout cookies. This strange man turns out to be
the real Unabomber! He informs cassie that the bearded freak was
a fonny because he would never live in the woods where there are no discos
around. Cassie and the Unabomber really hit it off. She sells
him 7 boxes of cookies, 6 for him to keep, and one for them to split.
They end up having a slumber party, roughhousing, drawing, and telling
stories about making race cars from spool threads and blowing off men's
hands. Cassie then lures the Unabomber after her by a standard "Tag,
You're It!", and they run to Cassie's new house.
After the McMatsons are finished showing their house
to their guest Dell, Mrs. McMatson reveals that she was a little reluctant
about the hot-chicks room, but a dozen of the hot-chicks helped her look
for Cassie, so she is more accepting of the party room. The McMatsons
are a little on edge because of the dissappearance of their daughter.
Dell then spies the Bucket of Truth, who is currious about it. After
strong warnings from the McMatsons not to look in the bucket, he does anyway,
and runs screaming and crying away into the hot-chicks room. Mr.
McMatson then loses it and looks in the Bucket of Truth, with simillar
results.
Lunatic then busts in on the scene, informing Mrs. McMatson
that he's there to investigate their missing daughter. Mrs. McMatson
then thinks the Bucket could know where Cassie is, and looks in it.
She starts screaming and crying, and tries to get into the hot-chicks room,
but can't. She then runs out of the front door. Cassie and
the Unabomber then walk in. After a scolding from Lunatic, Cassie
informs the police officer that she is now friends with the Unabomber.
Lunatic throws Cassie behind a couch for cover, and starts to shoot at
the Unabomber, saying that he didn't fight a secret war in
Nicaragua so the Unabomber could walk these streets of freedom bad-mouthing
lady America. Cassie thinks the whole incident is awesome.
Bong-boy then walks on the scene, toking his bong. Bong-boy tells
Lunatic to stop being a buzz-kill and just keep shootin'. The Unabomber
then starts constructing a bomb. Lunatic whips out his shotgun and
again blasts at the Unabomber. The Unabomber stands up declaring
he has a special delivery. Bong-boy thinks it's his new Skull Bong
with built-in Police scanner. He starts towards the Unabomber, but
Lunatic informs him that it's a bonb, not a bong. Bong-boy throws
his bong in surprise, and saves the day by getting bong-water all over
the Unabomber and his package, ruinning the bomb. Lunatic comes to
the conclusion that drugs are OK and that Bong-boy is really a hero, even
though he maintains he was just being all high. Cassie then tries
to dance for Lunatic to cheer him up. During her routine, she accidentally
shoots herself with a shotgun. Lunatic starts shouting at God again,
finally giving in to looking in the Bucket of Truth. After looking
in it, he shouts the classic lines "Don't you think I know that!?!"
(During the credit roll it shows various UCB members on secret cameras
screaming and crying while out in public)
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