Episode 102
The Entertainment Industry
The Episode begins with Adair showing off his new
"Food Tourture Films", that are supposed to pick up where pornography leaves
off. While Adair has films for all tastes, they agree it is not a
good way to proliferate chaos in the entertainment industry. Trotter
suggests they do a road movie, like Holden and Crosby, who were the "first
real anarchists" according to Trotter. After a lovely rendition of
"The Road to Morraco" by all three men of the Brigade, Colby interupts
them, explaining that "Entertainment is a weapon, and weapons... have to
come entertainment!"
Next a man walks into the A-1 protection place looking
for mace. They don't carry mace however, nor do they carry pepper
spray or tasers. The man asks what they actually have, and after
reassuring the man that he wasn't a cop and after locking the doors and
closing the windows, the redneck behind the counter pulls out his secret
protection device: a poostick! This device looks to be just dog poo
on the end of a stick, but the redneck convinces the man of it's powers
by sticking it in his face and making him call the redneck his mamma.
The man is surprised by the price of $125 for only a poostick and two replacement
cartriages (fresh dog poo), but the redneck tries to convince him that
if he makes his own, the branch tension will get out of control and blow
up. He tells the story of how his son died trying to make a poostick:
The tension got out of control and flung some poo into his hair.
They couldn't have him tracking poo through the house, so he died of exposure
on the front porch. After hearing this moving story, the man buys
a poostick.
On another UCB monitor, an actor goes to an audition
for "Cats: The Movie", and is hired on the spot after only telling he's
a singer-dancer. The Producer explains to the actor that this will
only be a short, because they haven't secured the rights to the some of
the music and characters. The short will be focused on the part of
"Cats" where the cats come out into the audience. But there is a
catch, he must first raise some money by doing "mini-movies", which aren't
filmed, and which seem remarkably simillar to singing telagrams.
The production assistant Harry comes out with a red cat-suit, and some
balloons, and says that his first mini-movie is going to be singing "The
Birthday Song" at a birthday party.
The next scene is of a man telling a video store
clerk that he had the title line in Star Wars. He was supposedly
in a scene that got cut where he was a stowawy, and Han Solo was teaching
Luke to fly the Millenium Falcon, and he arbitrarilly walks in and says
"I'm just so tired of all these star wars". He also informs the clerk
that he had the titular line in Out of Africa. He is in a scene where
Robert Redford is teaching Meryl Streep to drive, and he says "I'm just
so tired of all this traffic, I can't wait to get out of Africa".
The video clerck bets the man a million dollars that he wasn't in the movie,
and pulls it off the shelf, but the man says it wasn't in the video release,
and that he'll bring in a copy the next day.
We then see the Cat actor going to do his first mini-movie.
He arrives at the house and starts to sing the birthday song, even though
it's not a birthday party and the woman is drunk and nasty to him.
His singing is interupted by the lady pulling out a poostick and making
the actor say she's his mamma. Back at the office, the producer appologizes
to the actor, and assure him that the next mini-movie will be better, because
it's at an aniversary.
Next a senator is commenting on the "Poostick Epidemic"
that is destroying the country, and telling how criminals are modifying
poosticks to automatics. He introduces a bill that will keep dogs
away from sticks forever. Meanwhile, Trotter and Colby are playing
around with a computerized model-poostick, modifying it.
Next we see two "Diznee" executives planning their
next animated feature. One of them introduces a new songman, whose
father used to be a songwriter in the 1950s. He introduces a song
about happy muskrats happily playing in a butterscotch waterfall.
It's called "Goddilly-Goo". One executive likes it, but the other
doesn't understand the lyrics, because muskrats don't speak english.
He counters that muskrats do what he pays them to. His next song
is a work song about anthropromorphic garden shears happilly cutting shrubs
in front of a pepperment castle, and goes something like "sligo-pa, sligo-pee,
sligo-ma, sligo-mee". The Executive gets angry and accuses him of
making it up as he goes along. The songman says that he spent three
years on that song, having to sell his bed for food. Feeling sorry
for his wretched poorness, the executive tells him to take it from the
top. He breaks into a completely new version of the song that goes
"Zippa-dip, Dippa-Doo". He likes it, but tells him he'd rather have
a lonely candle maker sing it than garden sheers. They get into a
fight over creative differences. The executive threatens to make
up his own song about an old yellow hound dog who befriends a porcupine
and a chinese acrobat. They make their way through the Canadian wilderness
in search of somebody's brother. He tries, but is unsuccessful.
We then see the footage the of the person in Out
of Africa, but it is really stock footage of Africa dubbed with him in
a McDonnalds. The Clerk doesn't buy this, and reveals he has an original
film copy. The man tries to destroy the film, but is unsuccessful,
and is beraided by the clerk for being so pathetic. He then whips
out a poostick! He makes the clerk admit he had BOTH the title and
titular lines in Out of Africa AND Star Wars. He then says that the
clerk owes him a million bucks.
The Disney Exec is still trying to come up with
a song. He finally gets one and starts singing "Mogey-Pa" The
other exec thinks it's pretty good, but the songman reveals he sent the
Disney exec that song years ago! It's about the adventures of a Cat,
a Profesional Wrestler, and a little airplane. A Giant Rat then arbitrarilly
walks into the scene saying Diznee just declared itself an independant
state! That means more butterscotch for everyone! All the poeple
in the room break out into song.
The Cats actor is back doing a min-movie for an
Iranian woman. He starts singing the Birthday Song, but the Iranian
woman takes off her shawl and is really the crazy-drunk woman from before,
and she still has a poostick! She tells the actor that she's his
momma. The actor runs away, and the woman says that's the way mamma
likes it. The producer is waiting outside with another mini-movie
for a funeral.
The Next scene is in a movie theater. The
movie is "Cats: The Movie", and is a Diznee production in association with
UCB films. The Cats actor walks into a funeral, and is greeted by
profesional wrestler Sting. They get to the mini-movie, but it is
revealed that the wrestler is actually the crazy-drunk woman with a poostck!
After she accosts the Cat, little animated airplanes fly out of the coffin
and start singing "Mogey-Pa". Then the man from the video store walks
by and says "I'm so tired of all these Cats, The Movie". The clerk
and the man are in attendance, and the clerk tells him that was horrible,
but the man tells the clerk that he owes him a million bucks, and that
he's his mamma.
(During the credit roll, it shows the UCB on hidden camera actually
trying to sell poosticks on the streets on New York!)
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