| Acura Legend | I have always yearned to own the Buick of sports cars |
| Acura Vigor | I wanted a Legend, but it was out of my price range |
| BMW 318i | I love my father, whose girlfriend is my age |
| Buick Grand National | I buy four new tires a week |
| Buick Park Avenue | I am older than 34 of the 50 states |
| Cadillac Fleetwood | I'd get lost driving myself to the cemetary |
| Cadillac Eldorado | I'm the saleswoman of the month for Mary Kay cosmetics |
| Cadillac Seville | I'm a hairy-chested pimp with a fat gold chain; long live Run-DMC! |
| Chevrolet Camaro | I enjoy beating people up to compensate for my inadequacies; we all know what "IROC" stands for, don't we? |
| Chevrolet Chevette | I love to see peoples' reactions when I tell them I drive a 'vette |
| Chevrolet Corvette | I'm going through a mid-life crisis |
| Chevrolet El Camino | I'm leading a militia to overthrow our overbearing government |
| Chrysler Cordoba | I dig the rich Corinthian leather |
| Chevrolet Lumina | Well, it was time for a new lease and the Dodge Stratus just wasn't for me |
| Dodge Dart | I teach 3rd grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower |
| Dodge Daytona | I delivered pizzas for 4 years to pay for this car |
| Dodge Stealth | I like this body style, but couldn't afford it as a Mistubishi 3000GT |
| Dodge Stratus | Well, it was time for a new lease and the Chevy Lumina just wasn't for me |
| Ford Bronco | When they said this came with "A.C." I was disappointed when I realized they meant "air conditioning" |
| Ford Crown Victoria | I get a kick out of pulling up right behind people and watching them slow down to below the speed limit and sweat bullets until I turn off |
| Ford Explorer | I'm a yuppie whose meaning of off-roading is setting down my cell phone to negotiate a construction cone |
| Ford Expedition | As a red-blooded American, I feel obligated to consume as much fossil fuel as is humanly possible during my relatively brief and insignificant lifespan on this planet |
| Ford Excursion | I was going to buy a Ford Expedition, but it's double-digit gas mileage just wasn't for me |
| Ford Mustang | I love to peel out while my teenage buddies cackle like idiots in the back seat |
| Ford Windstar | I have four children, all of whom play soccer |
| Geo Storm | I will start the 11th grade in the fall |
| Geo Tracker | I will start the 12th grade in the fall |
| Honda Accord | I lack any originality and am basically a lemming |
| Honda Civic | By cutting the suspension, putting on $2000 rims and a big exhaust pipe, I've got a few people convinced this car is actually FAST |
| Honda Del Sol | I have always said that half a convertible is better than no convertible at all |
| Hyundai Accent | I wanted a new car, but only had enough money for a used car |
| Isuzu Impulse | I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports |
| Jaguar XJ6 | I am so rich I will pay $60,000 for a car that is in the shop 280 days out of the year |
| Kia Sephia | I learned nothing from the failure of the Diahatsu Corporation |
| Lincoln Town Car | I live for Bingo and covered dish suppers |
| Mazda 323 | I only drive to get somewhere |
| Mazda 626 | I only drive to get somewhere, but decided I wanted to spoil myself |
| Mazda Miata | I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler |
| Mercury Grand Marquis | My blue-haired wife insists I drive at this irksome speed, lest my <insert malady here> become aggravated |
| MGB | I am dating a mechanic |
| Mitsubishi Diamante | I don't know what it means either |
| Nissan Maxima | This car only looked slightly stupid until I tinted the windows, installed fake chrome hubcaps, and put a couple of crown air fresheners in the rear window |
| Peugeot 505 Diesel | I am on the EPA's "Ten Most Wanted" List |
| Plymouth Neon | I'm incessantly bubbly and enjoy doing the macarena |
| Pontiac Fiero | I wanted to challenge my patience and mechanical ability by purchasing a car that needs its engine dropped to change the spark plugs |
| Porsche 944 | I am dating big-haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me |
| Rolls Royce Silver Shadow |
Pardon me. Would you have any Grey Poupon? |
| Saturn SL | I was in the market for a cheap plastic car outfitted with an anemic powertrain whose engine tolerances are larger than the Grand Canyon |
| Saturn SC | I wanted to own a plastic car, and a Saturn SL was out of my price range |
| Scion xB | I'm trying to cling to the fond memories of my childhood when I used to "drive" a cardboard refrigerator box |
| Subaru Legacy | I have always wanted a Japanese car even more than common sense |
| Toyota Camry | I am still in the closet |
| Volkswagen Cabriolet | I am out of the closet |
| Volkswagen Golf | I'm an opinionated college kid who basically bought this car to use as a billboard for all of my wacky bumper stickers |
| Volkswagen Jetta | I'm a single blonde in my twenties (of course the sunglasses are designer) |
| Volkswagen Microbus | My most cherished possessions besides this car are my tie-dyed T-shirt, roach clip, and a faded 8x10 glossy of Jerry Garcia |
| Volvo 240 Sedan | I voted for Kerry, and am a member of the Sierra Club |
| Volvo 740 Wagon | I am frightened of my wife |
| Volvo 740 Turbo Wagon | I am only somewhat frightened of my wife |