Have you ever witnessed someone driving like a moron?  We all have, and I know it probably elicits the same thought within:  How did they ever learn how to drive like such an idiot?  Well folks, It's time to break the silence.  After reading the guidelines below you'll no longer have to stare at that moronic driver with envy.  Below is the recently declassified doctrine of morons behind the wheel everywhere!

                             How To Drive Like A Moron

• (especially) when there's traffic behind you, always drive 10-20 MPH below
  the posted speed limit
  

• When driving at a slower speed, stay in the leftmost lane
  

• Never use your turn signal, unless of course you are on the freeway with
  no intention of changing lanes
  

• When traveling with pets, make sure they sit on your lap with half their body
  hanging out the window, poised to jump out unexpectedly
  

• If you own a pickup truck, transport your ugliest family members (the more
  the merrier, remember!) in the flatbed and make sure they stare at other drivers
  

• Use the top of your car to transport cargo and make sure everything is loosely
  tied, if tied at all
  

• When carrying large, heavy things on the roof of your car, drive with your left
  arm out the window and use your feeble little hand to keep the cargo from
  falling off and causing a major traffic disturbance or perhaps an accident resulting
  in personal injury
  

• Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and then slow down
  

• Remember, you always have the right of way
  

• Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road
  

• Maintain flex time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are
  rushing to make it to work on time
  

• Whenever you see a police car (even parked), slam on the brakes and drive
  15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit for the next half mile
  

• While traveling down residential streets, drive 2 MPH and look at all the pretty
  houses and landscaping.  In fact, look everywhere except out the front windshield
  

• Feel free to give other drivers the middle finger at will. If they do it back, wait until
  you get to the next red light, then get out of your car and beat the living daylights
  out of them (in L.A., shoot them)
  

• If you have a car phone, use it as much as possible and pay little attention to the
  road. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend
  

• When driving on a busy freeway while using your car phone, erratically vary your
  speed between 45 and 85 MPH
  

• Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting dangerous roadside obstacles...
  like styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers
  

• When using the bank's drive-through teller, wait until you are at the window
  before filling out the forms
  

• Make sure you have at least one of the following bumper stickers:
  "Don't like my driving? Dial (800) EAT S!!%T"
  "I may be slow but I'm ahead of you"
  "If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk"
  "If you can read this, you're too close"
  "Watch my ass, not hers"
  "I'd rather be skiing"
  "I brake for no apparent reason"
  "I drive this way just to tick you off"
  

• Get to know your horn.  Use it as often as possible
  

• Keep your brake lights blinking by tapping one foot on the brake pedal
  at all times
  

• Never use your ashtray. Toss the lit cigarettes out the window onto the
  vehicle behind you when you are done with them*
  (* = especially when followed by convertibles and motorcycles)
  

• Throw soda cans and food wrappers out the window when driving on highways*
  

• Since everyone would like the music you're playing, your car stereo should be
  blasting hip hop at approximately one billion dB
  

• If you get lost while driving, the best place to stop and get your bearings is at a
  green light, preferably when traffic in your lane is congested
  

• When driving up a hill, don't downshift
  

• When driving down a hill, ride your brakes
  

• If for some reason you had to pull over onto the shoulder, wait until an oncoming
  car is approaching to ease your way back onto the road.  Drive especially slow
  in case the motorist you cut off is a few minutes early to work 
  

• Save time.  Brush your hair (and teeth), read your newspaper and have breakfast
  while driving to work
  

• When at a gas station, don't pull forward to the first available pump. This way
  people will have to wait until you are done before they get serviced. You should
  also go inside and pay with traveler's checks
  

• If you approach a bicyclist on the same side of the road, pass him by leaving no
  more than a half inch between him and your side-view mirror
  

• Women (and adventurous men) are encouraged to put on their make-up while
  driving
  

• Adjust your car seat so that the drivers behind you only see the top of your head
  and a pair of knuckles on the steering wheel
  

• If you see an emergency vehicle traveling in the opposite direction on the other
  side of a concrete divider, stop abruptly  and without warning
  

• If you drive a yellow construction vehicle, be sure to operate it on major roads
  during rush hour traffic
  

• Make sure that you drive all types of slow or wide vehicles during peak traffic
  volumes
  

• When approaching a merge sign, either accelerate without looking or come to
  a full and complete stop
  

• If another driver is courteous enough to let you in front of him/her, show your
  appreciation by letting the entire world merge in front of you, including tractor
  trailers, construction vehicles and farm equipment
  

• On multi-laned roads, always drive at the same speed as the vehicle next to
  you. Try to "box in" drivers behind you, who are attempting to pass (sometimes
  referred to by those "in the know" as a rolling road block)
  

• If you see a vehicle getting in your lane directly behind you, hit your brake
  pedal. The closer the vehicle, the harder you should press
  

• If your vehicle is capable of spinning its tires on dry roads, take advantage
  of this. Make as much noise and black smoke as possible
  (Mustangs and Camaros only)
  

• When driving in heavy bumper-to-bumper traffic on clear and dry roads,
  always drive with a space at least 10 car lengths in front of you
  

• If another driver honks at you, ignore it, continue to do exactly what you
  are doing. Make sure you give him a dirty look
  

• If you get lost in a residential neighborhood and need to turn around, find
  a newly paved or sealed driveway to do so (use front bumper to push
  "annoying" inverted buckets aside)
  

• When drivers ahead of you pull over to let emergency vehicles pass,
  accelerate so that they cannot merge back into traffic
  

• When driving in a lane that is going to end because of construction, ignore
  all the "LANE CLOSED - MERGE AHEAD" signs. Then wait until the
  last second and cut off the other drivers that had the common sense to
  switch lanes earlier
  

• If you miss an exit, don't worry - just cut across six lanes of traffic and
  drive over the divider.  If you really weren't supposed to cross it, the
  D.O.T. would have built it out of concrete ramparts instead of just a stone curb
  

• The more expensive of a car you drive, the more you have the right of way
  

• The less expensive of a car you drive, the more you have the right of way
  

• If you drive a car, you have the right of way
  

• If you need to stop to ask for directions, wait until there is a car behind you
  and stop directly in your lane to block traffic. Try to ask directions from either
  a 90 year old local, a deaf person, an illegal alien, or a child.  Make small talk
  after thanking them.
  

• When picking up a passenger during the early morning or late night in a
  residential neighborhood, stop in front of the house and honk the horn
  repeatedly. Either a series of long honks or in a melody of a song such
  as "Shave and a haircut" is appropriate
  

• When pulling into a gas station, drive back and forth over the black cable
  to repeatedly trigger the air compressor that rings the attendant's bell
  

• If you have ski racks on your car, leave them on all year round so that
  you look like a police car in other cars' rear-view mirrors
  

• When parking in a residential neighborhood, always park in the street
  blocking someone else's driveway
  

• When parking on a residential street without curbs, always make sure
  that you park with at least two wheels on someone's lawn
  

• Always change the radio station, tape, or CD while you are in the middle
  of changing lanes
  

• If you are a driving school instructor, make as many appointments as
  possible during peak traffic times. Then inform your students to drive
  real slow and not to worry about the "reckless idiots" on the road
  

• After filling your tank and paying at a busy gas station, leave your car in
  front of the pumps while you use the restroom and shop for a refreshing snack
  

• Always save your nose picking for when you're behind the wheel
  

• While listening to your favorite song, let other drivers on the road know
  that your listing to your favorite song. The best way to do this is to steer
  the car with your knee, pretend to be holding a pair of drum sticks, and
  start beating away at the steering wheel and rear-view mirror while the
  whole time bobbing your head all over the place
  

• If another driver does something stupid to tick you off, get out of your car
  at the next red light and scream at him through his window to get out
  and have his butt kicked (or shot, in LA)
  

• Drive until you are at least 130 years old, with no eyesight, hearing, reflexes,
  or pulse
  

• When running into a local 24 hour convenience store, leave your 1 year old
  unrestrained infant in the car alone with the ignition running
  

• When passing a bicyclist do not, under any circumstance, cross the center
  line, even if you are driving down a straight road with no oncoming vehicles in sight
  

• Keep the driver seat as far back as possible so that you can barely reach
  the pedals
  

• Drive with either heavy boots on your feet or barefoot so that your dexterity
  with operating the foot pedals and your control of the vehicle is severely
  compromised
  

• When approaching a bicyclist or parked car in your lane, swerve carelessly
  into oncoming traffic to go around it
  

• Save money. Don't bother with insurance.  If you get into an accident, the
  other driver's coverage will pay for the damage
  

• If you are on vacation and you see any sort of wildlife, stop abruptly in your
  lane to take a lot of pictures for the folks back home
  

• After you cut off a vehicle, give a "Thanks-for-letting-me-in" wave and nod
  to the other driver
  

• When driving home with a pizza, drive with it on your lap. If you can't resist,
  eat a piece and drive with your knees
  

• When you are driving fast, stick one arm out the window, twist your hand
  back and forth, and pretend to be an airplane as the wind lifts your arm
  

• Never adjust your mirrors so that you can see anything. (Or, adjust them
  so that you can see your hair and/or clothing)
  

• When leaving a fast food drive-thru restaurant, drive into traffic by steering
  with your knee, as you balance a large Coke between your legs and
  unwrap your hamburger to squeeze ketchup onto it
  

• If you are driving a loaded dump truck, never cover the top. Then drive
  as fast as possible to cause a storm of debris to fly out and pelt the
  defenseless traffic behind you*
  

• There are NO motor vehicle laws that are applicable to cops. If you are an
  officer of the law, feel free to speed and make illegal U-turns. If traffic is
  exceptionally heavy and you want to make an an illegal turn, flash your
  red lights and go for it
  

• When traveling with a pet in the back seat, turn around every 2 minutes
  and make sure little "Pookey" is okay. "How are you doing, Pookey?
  You like the car, Pookey? Who's my little Pookey? Good Pookey!!"
  Meanwhile, drive with one hand on the steering wheel and the other
  reaching behind the seat petting "Pookey's" little ears
  

• When approaching a curve in the road, slow down as if the road is ENDING
  

• When having another vehicle follow you to where ever you are going
  and a third car merges between you, drive 5 MPH just to make sure
  that your followers (who are 2 cars behind) can see you
  

• If you have an automobile newspaper route, don't pull over as you slow
  down to throw the papers out the window
  

• Always drive with your right arm behind the passenger seat
  

• Drive with your seat far back enough that a dentist could fill cavities
  while you travel
  

• If you are supposed to wear glasses or contacts while driving, don't
  

• Drive with enough boxes and packages in your car so that they
  completely block the side and back windows
  

• If the driver behind you is honking and flashing his headlights because
  he is in some sort of an emergency rush, DO NOT succumb to his pressure
  by pulling over to let him pass
  

• When coming home from work the evening before a holiday, always
  drive like a maniac to increase your chances of getting into an accident.
  If you do get into an accident, try to take as many other vehicles with you
  as possible to jam up traffic with people who want to get home early.
  Try to snarl traffic in the opposite lanes, too, with rubbernecking delays
  

• When driving around curves, always drive over the center line and into
  the oncoming traffic lane
  

• Drive as quickly as possible through parking lots.  Pass any open spot
  by at least four car lengths before backing up to claim it.  Disregard the
  angry mob that has formed behind you
  

• Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting before leaving your car
  in a parking garage
  

• If you are over 6'6" tall, weigh more than 250 pounds, and have no
  problems kicking anyone's butt, adjust your seat height and back so
  that only your head shows over the steering wheel and drive like a moron.
  Then ,when other drivers challenge you to a fight because they think that
  you're a shrimp, get out and beat them to a pulp!
  (or shoot them, in LA)
  
  
  The original source for much of the above content is copyrighted by DoggieSnot@aol.com.
  

[HOME] is
exceptionally heavy and you want to make an an illegal turn, flash your
red lights and go for it

[HOME]