Creative Tips for Dealing with Junk Mail
Wesley A. Williams
The author's views as described in the following essay were the subject of an newspaper article for which he was interviewed and photographed. The article, entitled "No Need to Stew: A Few Tips To Cope With Life's Annoyances" was written by Ian Urbina and appeared on the front page of the New York Times on March 15, 2005.
Well, if you've read any other parts of my web page or if you know me personally, you probably know that I have a rather unique sense of humor. Occasionally, this characteristic seems to manifest itself in unexpected or unusual but nevertheless amusing ways.
One of my "pet peeves" is the incredibly high volume of unsolicited junk mail that I used to receive in my mail box each week despite being registered with the Mail Preference Service. In the mid-1990's I moved into a one bedroom apartment with a decidedly smaller "mailbox" (if you want to call it that) than what I had growing up in the suburbs of Albany, NY. My apartment's mail receptacle was, at times, too small for all of my legitimate mail, much less these annoying, unwanted mailings (i.e. junk mail). You know the kind, folks. In fact, you're probably cringing right now, imaging the hulking form of your personal mountain of discarded advertisements that has accumulated at your local landfill.
In an effort to mitigate this onslaught of capitalism, I even asked the post office to just throw out anything intended for my address that has "OR CURRENT RESIDENT" on the mailing label. Unfortunately, I was told, the U.S. Postal Service is required to deliver all this mail to its destination as the company sending the catalog, mail order packet, etc. has paid for the postage to the (albeit unwilling) addressee. I guess the consumer's right to avoid these incessant solicitations is superceded by a marketing company's right to exploit innocent residents for monetary gain. Can I feel a movement underway to amend the U.S. Constitution here, people? I can see it now: "all men are endowed with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of an empty mailbox." Okay, who's with me - a show of hands?
Now, I know what you're thinking....where the heck is he going with this? Well, at one point ca. 1997, I felt like I had to "take the matter into my own hands" (sorry for going against your advice, Doug Llewelyn) and I decided to fight back. How did I go about this, and what success have I had? Read on, friends...
First of all, I noticed that most of these companies send me these "business-reply" envelopes, where the postage is paid by the addressee (i.e. the slimeball company sending the solicitations). I guess they figure if they can get some schlub to reply to their mailings and buy their crap, they'd be willing to pay that minimal postage charge in order to generate a tidy profit from the unsolicited sale of their product (for lack of a better term).
Well, after checking with the local post office to ensure its legality, I began mailing the company's own solicitation material back in their "business reply" envelopes. At first, it started innocently with me opening the mail, finding this "business-reply" envelope, and stuffing the contents of the entire mailing package back into this envelope, sealing it up and mailing it.
Essentially, what this does is double the cost of the postage on their solicitation to me. When they receive their mail back (postage due, since I'm sure all of their promotional crap weighs more than the intended contents of the return envelope), I assume they get the hint that the address on the material inside (read: mine) should be removed from their mailing list, lest they repeatedly take this double-hit of postal fees and *gasp* - the lack of a sale - on every mailing to me. I did this for awhile, much to my own satisfaction - but then I got bored with this and I began to get more creative!
One thing I started doing to easily identify junk mail was to use different permutations of my name when doing business with dubious mail-order companies. I even gave myself a clue therein to track down who was selling me out to these companies. For example, if I thought that the Southern Tool Company (fictitious name) might sell my name without my consent or knowledge, I would register my name in their mailing database as Wesley St. Williams or something else simple that would remind me or where it came from. Months later, when I get junk mail addressed to "Wesley St. Williams", I know who to put on my "shit list." It goes without saying that I would never, ever patronize that company again and would badmouth them every chance I got. (How's that saying go? "It takes years to earn a good customer's business, but seconds to lose one" ?)
Anyway, back to the business at hand: I figured that since these jumk mail companies went through all of this trouble of purchasing my name and sending me their product information at expense, they must have something really terrific to offer that shouldn't go unnoticed. I began to feel guilty that I was letting this opportunity of a lifetime slip by on just me, one of the nearly 300 million Americans with money burning a hole in their pocket. So, I decided to take them up on their insistence to act now and share their special, limited time offer with others! I thought, if I could optimize their mailing to me by providing other people access to this opportunity, I'd be doing the company a favor, right? (Admit it, your interest is pretty piqued right now, I'll bet...)
Instead of stuffing the material back into their own "business-reply" envelopes, I began inserting it into the "business-reply" envelopes of other mail-order companies! I'd noticed that when I get these unwanted mailings, they usually come three or four at a time (didn't I hear somewhere that good things come in threes?), so what better opportunity to simply open the junk mail envelopes from the various companies, and do a little "chinese fire drill" with the contents? A quick sealing here and there, and off they go! As I did this, I realized I was getting way too much enjoyment from it, and then my process further metamorphosed...
Since the postage due upon return of the "business-reply" envelope is based on its weight, I decided to increase the weight of the returning envelope. "How do you do that?", you ask? Well, there are many ways to do this, but one of my favorites is to cut strips of glossy magazines or ads to the exact size of the envelope. The reason I use these materials is that they are printed on heavy-stock paper, which weighs more than an a similar volume of "regular" (i.e. copier) paper. I try to cram as many thick sections inside as I can fit, often Scotch taping the swollen envelope shut. (By the way, I've done extensive testing with this on a postage scale and I can get about $2.00 in postage into your standard-duty #10 business-reply envelope if I am really on my game. It's an art form, really.)
Sometimes, I send junk mail coupon books or other stuff I'm just throwing away (Snickers wrappers, banana peels...) - I kinda use this as an opportunity to "clean up" after opening the mail. Occasionally, to further amuse myself, I have mailed rocks or scrap metal, just for a little variety. I recommend using flat, metamorphic rocks (e.g. slate) as their high density and stratified layering are perfect for this application. Slate is also pretty abundant and easily found in many parts of the northeastern United States. As far as scrap metal, pretty much any ferric material goes (aluminum is a no-no, however - much too light and is relatively expensive to use, anyways). Done correctly, rocks/metal can push up the return postage of one envelope in excess of $3.00 faster than you can say "negative cash flow." If I can get an envelope's return postage to eclipse the $3.00 mark, it's like breaking the sound barrier - it's surreal and cathartic.
"Hey, but isn't this a nuisance to the postal workers? Aren't they pre-disposed to wigging out enough as it is without this additional aggravation?" Well, it's actually job security if you think about it. Since the extra postage due by the mail-order company is paid to the U.S. Postal Service, that's more money that goes towards employee salaries, benefits and other operating expenses. Hey, it probably even helps to keep the first-class postage rate in check. I figure, why not help out these overworked and underpaid civil servants who work hard every day to get us our mail? Hey, anything to help out fellow hardworking citizens, right? I agree. (Okay - so most of it is junk anyways, but let's not shoot the messengers here.) All this at the expense of these "vulture" companies that encumber us with their unsolicited garbage day-in and day-out.
Okay, okay...I know what you're thinking: "Jesus, this guy has a lot of internal hostility that he's displacing in order to be capable of this. He's putting way too much time and effort into this for it to be healthy." Well, I used to think so, until I realized that every time I sat down at my dining room table to prep the "postage ballast", I'd be snickering uncontrollably. I just keep envisioning what's it's like receiving my envelopes filled with scrap metal or some other company's nauseating rhetoric It's pretty therapeutic. You should try it. And I guarantee you'll always be looking forward to that next piece of junk mail.
The author seldom
gets junk mail at his current address in rural Rensselaer County, NY.